One minute I'm sure something is going on, the next I'm confident and relieved nothing is going on. One minute I think I'm right , the next I think I'm crazy. This morning, I notice that my husband does or uses a particular thing to improve his look. I don't want to explain it exactly, but I just noticed. He wasn't hiding it per say, but it tells me he is trying to impress someone. Who? Why?
He sits around here all weekend.. no worries. Time to go back to work, and he's all about showering, and trimming, and cologne. I don't know if it's in my head.
After checking his phone, before this, I noticed his contact with his female co-worker seems to be all about work and mostly platonic. And he acts very attracted to me, and interested. Plus I would think he would be calling this person every chance he got, behind my back. Maybe it's just someone to flirt with at work. I don't think he is attracted to this girl, but maybe that is why he finds it "safe." Maybe because he introduced me to her, a long time ago, that he won't have to worry about it going further than he wants. My husband very much so likes flattery. He would probably would be just as happy with flattery, plus I'm sure he finds flirting is not doing anything wrong. I thought about writing him a little note warning him.. that if he cheats, it's over. Pretty much a one liner. I don't want to mention her name.. or make this about her, because really it's not. It could be anybody. It's about me and him. Plus if I'm wrong about her, then I don't want to put it in his mind. I think just a generic statement about infidelity would be better. I don't know, I just want this to be over. I want to be at peace, but I think this is about to get worse before it gets better. :(
Monday, October 18, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Totally freaking out !!! :(
okay well tonight my husband gets a text that has a little pic or thumbnail that says "you mean everything to me <3 " I write back, "wtf?" and a few long minutes later she texts back "sorry I just figured out how to forward stuff." Then the thumbnail comes again in a text with a long plew.. mushy stuff and about sending it on and if you get it back... bla bla." this time the message has the header "FWD; FWD; FWD" but the first message had nothing.. just "new message." I am totally freaking out ! This is the bitch he works with ! the one I've been complaining about. :( help...
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Paranoid or highly intuitive?
I have a hard time distinguishing as to whether I am paranoid or highly intuitive. My husband seems to have an expiration date on how long he can handle working at one place. Most of his jobs have lasted 2-3 yrs before something goes wrong. I fear it is happening again. Only this time I am not a kid, I am thirty years old and he is 34 yrs old. There seems to be a vicious cycle. I can't quite put my finger on it. Is it me? Am I causing the problem? Is there something more to it?
I will admit I am a very jealous person. I am an insecure person. My parents divorced when was ten, and my dad moved 4 hrs away. I firmly believe all good things fall apart at some point. The weird part is, I'm not afraid or worried that my husband will up and leave me. I happen to know he won't. My fear is that he will be completely disinterested in me and stay. Stay because it's easier. Stay because it's the right thing to do. If he were completely repulsed by me, he would never tell me. If he were in love with someone else, he wouldn't let me go. I don't think he is interested in finding someone else, I do feel he is in love with me, but he is still a man. He is as insecure as I am. I can usually figure out what a problem is, but because I am the center of it, I can't figure it out and it's driving me crazy. I am starting to believe he is the type of person who needs constant attention. I already know he can be attention seeking, he is one of six children. Plus he is kind of a momma's boy, so you can imagine how he felt starved for attention or felt he had to do things to get the attention. I'm starting to think he needs my constant attention, or when he feels he needs my attention and I don't give it, that he acts out in a way.
Towards the end of summer, I was becoming very distant from my husband. I don't know what caused it. We had a family vacation with my Dad.. so that might of provoked it..in addition to some other family problems. Needless to say, my husband was not my priority at the time. We were having problems in the bedroom. I know that had to affect him in a bad way. I don't know if he thought I was cheating on him or what. Or if he was feeling neglected. He started saying jokes like, your boyfriend.. ( we do that from time to time as a joke).
Well during this distant duration, my husband had got a text on his phone. I was closest to it, so I went to go check it out. It was from some girl that he works with. I have met her once, thought nothing. The text was pointless. Unnecessary. Well that got my attention. He acted all weird, like an embarrassed child. From that day on, I have been checking his phone records. I realized that one of the long phone calls he had were with her, even though he told me he was talking to a guy at his work about work stuff. Why bother making the phone call in front of me.. and then telling me it was someone else? I have no idea. Another day, he didn't call me on his way home, and he told me some sweet line, "oh, I knew you would probably be sleeping cuz you're not feeling well." Well that rang my bullshit bell.. and so I checked it out and sure enough he was on the phone with her the entire way home. So far all the texts from her have been work related.. so I just don't know. I do know one way or the other she has become a nuisance. I should add my husband is not a player type. He is very comfortable with women though, as I said he is a momma's boy and he was raised with three younger sisters who he is close with. He is also a joker. He is always joking with someone, male or female. And because he is momma's boy, women, I think, tend to use him as a confidant. I think they feel comfortable with him. He also doesn't know how to say no. Which can be a very bad thing sometimes. This is not gender specific. He just wants everyone to like him, and hates confrontation. This also gets him into trouble.
So as you can see, I am completely confused. All I know if this is not the first time. I just can't figure out if something else is going on? I know this like the back of my hand, and it seems to be happening again. Or is it me? Am I creating this situation, because he got a text? I have established this, something weird is happening. Nothing else points to infidelity. After he got that text, and I started freaking out, he got my full attention, and for some sick twisted reason I started pampering him and increasing our bedroom time. Trust me I'm not happy with myself about that. But I went from feeling like we lost all spark to major sparks. I can be very unstable like that. Is it possible he has learned this about me? Make me a little jealous and he gets lots of attention. Did he think I was cheating and tried to maybe get my attention or get back at me? Maybe I am making all this up in my head. Did he maybe start something with this girl and now he is backing off of it because of our closeness?
I am afraid to not give him attention. I am convinced that if I am preoccupied that he will stray. I'm afraid that I can't keep up with satisfying him. Meanwhile I am smart enough to know that if he does screw around it is not my fault, but it's like I'm scared he is or will and I have to make sure it isn't my fault. What the hell is that all about?
Well I'm still confused because there are times when he is honest about it being her calling. He has even called her right before me and talked to her. My logic tells me that if something were going on he wouldn't do that. Then again, the other day he didn't call me on his lunch like he usually does, and I check his phone records and turns out he called her and talked almost the whole duration of his break. He did try calling me right after he spoke with her. I asked him about it and all he would say is, " I tried calling you." My phone never rang so I looked it up and said it shows you were talking to someone. He says nothing. I kept on with it, and he says she called him about some work related issue. Of course the phone records show she text him hours before and he called her. So he lies about her calling him, yet he tells me it was her. WTH? I don't get it. So I tell him well no bother with calling me because you spent your whole break talking to her. So I screwed up and showed the fact I was upset and could check the phone records that easily. Oh well. I will tell you a scenario that makes me think he is screwing with me; One day he acted all bummed out because he has to contact her about something work related. Even asked me if I wanted to do it, joking around. Then he says, "oh yeah, I can just text her." Meanwhile, he doesn't know that I know they have been texting back and forth several times a week. Wow was it hard for me to keep quiet that time. I'm thinking, is he screwing with my head? Turns out he never called or text her until the next day and is of course nice to her, " see ya when I see ya." Never known him to say that. Plus he lied to her about the work issue.. for the point of her not being angry with him. Why bother? Well anyway as time goes on, her name is coming up more and more in conversations. Sometimes it nothing, and other times it makes me wonder. I'm thinking of shit here we go. She calls him, she texts him, and now she is being brought up more and more. Now yesterday, on his lunch, he tells me about how she was told something negative by her boss, she was all upset.. and comes to bitch about it to him, while he's working. He starts off by telling me, "You're going to be so proud of me..." Well he tells her that he doesn't have time for this and needs to bla bla ( work stuff). So I ask him why would she come running to you about it. So I explain the fact that he must be doing something for her to think that she can cry on his shoulder. I said, "It's the same reason why she calls you and texts you all the time." (woops I screwed up again, my damn mouth ) Well he took offense to that. I explained that he must have listened to her complaints in the past.. etc. and he says he "always blows her off." yeah right.. that's why he was so proud he just did.
He also tells me he doesn't know why other ppl think he would care either, some other co-worker came up to him and relayed what had happened with her. See my husband is not an idiot.. but neither am I. I know sometimes ppl think that if they are honest about some things.. or pretend to be stupid that must mean they are honest. Well I never fall for that one. In fact when he does that it sends red flags. My husband does have a conscience and when he does something wrong he feels guilty and always ends up giving himself up without realizing it.
I explained to him how dangerous that is , for her to be coming up to him and bitching to him about the boss while he is working. I explained that that kind of behavior is juvenile and I know he cares about his job. He asked me if he should go talk to his boss about it. Well after work, he brings the subject up again and tells me he did go talk to him about. Not sure if that is true.. but oh well. His boss says he shouldn't have brought up his name ( supposedly the boss compared her work performance to my husband's). So supposedly my husband tells him that he doesn't want to be in the middle of it. My husband thinks she came running to him because his name was mentioned by the boss. I told him, no I think she came running to you because apparently she thinks you are her shoulder to cry on. I think that if your boss compares you to someone, you don't go running to them.. it would cause a problem or competition. I wouldn't run up to that person to tell them, hey the boss thinks your better than me. That doesn't make any sense unless she feels so comfortable with him that she used the comparison to stroke his ego.
Well this morning, he tells me that she is there today and refers to her as a "bitch." Here we go.. I want to know what has happened. Suddenly there are practically no calls or messages between them.. he blows her off yesterday and today he calls her a bitch. Yep she's important enough to bring up, again. Do you understand my concern? Now the question is.. is it all innocent? Maybe he is tired of pleasing her, meaning he has behaved all this time, because she is a co-worker, or because he is just a nice guy and is now tired of pretending.
Another scenario... they started to become friends.. and my jealousy has caused him to be annoyed with her because I am obviously annoyed with her. So he feels now that he has to act negative towards her to please me?
Another scenario; he went too far ( not sure how far) and now is done with her... and now he's annoyed because she is being clingy and is going to use me as a way to save his ass. I know if this is it.. because he'll complain more and more and ask me to visit him at work or something to that affect.
I don't know what it is. He also lied to me about not knowing her last name. That day he didn't want to have to contact her about the work related issue.. I told him he could email her work email from the house. He just needed to know her last name. Supposedly he didn't know it. Well I have since then found out what it is.. it's not difficult to remember, especially when you see it on a daily basis. I don't know why he would bother lying.
He does that though, lies about stupid things. I don't know if he tries to cover things up or is using that as an attention seeking tactic also.
I can't say much of anything to him right now. I, in no way, want to put things in his head or suggest something is going on, because if there isn't, I don't want to create something that isn't there. All I know now is that ever since that day she text him.. she has left a bad taste in my mouth, and I will be forever suspicious.
All this crap leads up to him loosing his job. I want to make sure it's not me causing the problem. My jealousy and insecurities. Because no matter what, he needs this job.
I will admit I am a very jealous person. I am an insecure person. My parents divorced when was ten, and my dad moved 4 hrs away. I firmly believe all good things fall apart at some point. The weird part is, I'm not afraid or worried that my husband will up and leave me. I happen to know he won't. My fear is that he will be completely disinterested in me and stay. Stay because it's easier. Stay because it's the right thing to do. If he were completely repulsed by me, he would never tell me. If he were in love with someone else, he wouldn't let me go. I don't think he is interested in finding someone else, I do feel he is in love with me, but he is still a man. He is as insecure as I am. I can usually figure out what a problem is, but because I am the center of it, I can't figure it out and it's driving me crazy. I am starting to believe he is the type of person who needs constant attention. I already know he can be attention seeking, he is one of six children. Plus he is kind of a momma's boy, so you can imagine how he felt starved for attention or felt he had to do things to get the attention. I'm starting to think he needs my constant attention, or when he feels he needs my attention and I don't give it, that he acts out in a way.
Towards the end of summer, I was becoming very distant from my husband. I don't know what caused it. We had a family vacation with my Dad.. so that might of provoked it..in addition to some other family problems. Needless to say, my husband was not my priority at the time. We were having problems in the bedroom. I know that had to affect him in a bad way. I don't know if he thought I was cheating on him or what. Or if he was feeling neglected. He started saying jokes like, your boyfriend.. ( we do that from time to time as a joke).
Well during this distant duration, my husband had got a text on his phone. I was closest to it, so I went to go check it out. It was from some girl that he works with. I have met her once, thought nothing. The text was pointless. Unnecessary. Well that got my attention. He acted all weird, like an embarrassed child. From that day on, I have been checking his phone records. I realized that one of the long phone calls he had were with her, even though he told me he was talking to a guy at his work about work stuff. Why bother making the phone call in front of me.. and then telling me it was someone else? I have no idea. Another day, he didn't call me on his way home, and he told me some sweet line, "oh, I knew you would probably be sleeping cuz you're not feeling well." Well that rang my bullshit bell.. and so I checked it out and sure enough he was on the phone with her the entire way home. So far all the texts from her have been work related.. so I just don't know. I do know one way or the other she has become a nuisance. I should add my husband is not a player type. He is very comfortable with women though, as I said he is a momma's boy and he was raised with three younger sisters who he is close with. He is also a joker. He is always joking with someone, male or female. And because he is momma's boy, women, I think, tend to use him as a confidant. I think they feel comfortable with him. He also doesn't know how to say no. Which can be a very bad thing sometimes. This is not gender specific. He just wants everyone to like him, and hates confrontation. This also gets him into trouble.
So as you can see, I am completely confused. All I know if this is not the first time. I just can't figure out if something else is going on? I know this like the back of my hand, and it seems to be happening again. Or is it me? Am I creating this situation, because he got a text? I have established this, something weird is happening. Nothing else points to infidelity. After he got that text, and I started freaking out, he got my full attention, and for some sick twisted reason I started pampering him and increasing our bedroom time. Trust me I'm not happy with myself about that. But I went from feeling like we lost all spark to major sparks. I can be very unstable like that. Is it possible he has learned this about me? Make me a little jealous and he gets lots of attention. Did he think I was cheating and tried to maybe get my attention or get back at me? Maybe I am making all this up in my head. Did he maybe start something with this girl and now he is backing off of it because of our closeness?
I am afraid to not give him attention. I am convinced that if I am preoccupied that he will stray. I'm afraid that I can't keep up with satisfying him. Meanwhile I am smart enough to know that if he does screw around it is not my fault, but it's like I'm scared he is or will and I have to make sure it isn't my fault. What the hell is that all about?
Well I'm still confused because there are times when he is honest about it being her calling. He has even called her right before me and talked to her. My logic tells me that if something were going on he wouldn't do that. Then again, the other day he didn't call me on his lunch like he usually does, and I check his phone records and turns out he called her and talked almost the whole duration of his break. He did try calling me right after he spoke with her. I asked him about it and all he would say is, " I tried calling you." My phone never rang so I looked it up and said it shows you were talking to someone. He says nothing. I kept on with it, and he says she called him about some work related issue. Of course the phone records show she text him hours before and he called her. So he lies about her calling him, yet he tells me it was her. WTH? I don't get it. So I tell him well no bother with calling me because you spent your whole break talking to her. So I screwed up and showed the fact I was upset and could check the phone records that easily. Oh well. I will tell you a scenario that makes me think he is screwing with me; One day he acted all bummed out because he has to contact her about something work related. Even asked me if I wanted to do it, joking around. Then he says, "oh yeah, I can just text her." Meanwhile, he doesn't know that I know they have been texting back and forth several times a week. Wow was it hard for me to keep quiet that time. I'm thinking, is he screwing with my head? Turns out he never called or text her until the next day and is of course nice to her, " see ya when I see ya." Never known him to say that. Plus he lied to her about the work issue.. for the point of her not being angry with him. Why bother? Well anyway as time goes on, her name is coming up more and more in conversations. Sometimes it nothing, and other times it makes me wonder. I'm thinking of shit here we go. She calls him, she texts him, and now she is being brought up more and more. Now yesterday, on his lunch, he tells me about how she was told something negative by her boss, she was all upset.. and comes to bitch about it to him, while he's working. He starts off by telling me, "You're going to be so proud of me..." Well he tells her that he doesn't have time for this and needs to bla bla ( work stuff). So I ask him why would she come running to you about it. So I explain the fact that he must be doing something for her to think that she can cry on his shoulder. I said, "It's the same reason why she calls you and texts you all the time." (woops I screwed up again, my damn mouth ) Well he took offense to that. I explained that he must have listened to her complaints in the past.. etc. and he says he "always blows her off." yeah right.. that's why he was so proud he just did.
He also tells me he doesn't know why other ppl think he would care either, some other co-worker came up to him and relayed what had happened with her. See my husband is not an idiot.. but neither am I. I know sometimes ppl think that if they are honest about some things.. or pretend to be stupid that must mean they are honest. Well I never fall for that one. In fact when he does that it sends red flags. My husband does have a conscience and when he does something wrong he feels guilty and always ends up giving himself up without realizing it.
I explained to him how dangerous that is , for her to be coming up to him and bitching to him about the boss while he is working. I explained that that kind of behavior is juvenile and I know he cares about his job. He asked me if he should go talk to his boss about it. Well after work, he brings the subject up again and tells me he did go talk to him about. Not sure if that is true.. but oh well. His boss says he shouldn't have brought up his name ( supposedly the boss compared her work performance to my husband's). So supposedly my husband tells him that he doesn't want to be in the middle of it. My husband thinks she came running to him because his name was mentioned by the boss. I told him, no I think she came running to you because apparently she thinks you are her shoulder to cry on. I think that if your boss compares you to someone, you don't go running to them.. it would cause a problem or competition. I wouldn't run up to that person to tell them, hey the boss thinks your better than me. That doesn't make any sense unless she feels so comfortable with him that she used the comparison to stroke his ego.
Well this morning, he tells me that she is there today and refers to her as a "bitch." Here we go.. I want to know what has happened. Suddenly there are practically no calls or messages between them.. he blows her off yesterday and today he calls her a bitch. Yep she's important enough to bring up, again. Do you understand my concern? Now the question is.. is it all innocent? Maybe he is tired of pleasing her, meaning he has behaved all this time, because she is a co-worker, or because he is just a nice guy and is now tired of pretending.
Another scenario... they started to become friends.. and my jealousy has caused him to be annoyed with her because I am obviously annoyed with her. So he feels now that he has to act negative towards her to please me?
Another scenario; he went too far ( not sure how far) and now is done with her... and now he's annoyed because she is being clingy and is going to use me as a way to save his ass. I know if this is it.. because he'll complain more and more and ask me to visit him at work or something to that affect.
I don't know what it is. He also lied to me about not knowing her last name. That day he didn't want to have to contact her about the work related issue.. I told him he could email her work email from the house. He just needed to know her last name. Supposedly he didn't know it. Well I have since then found out what it is.. it's not difficult to remember, especially when you see it on a daily basis. I don't know why he would bother lying.
He does that though, lies about stupid things. I don't know if he tries to cover things up or is using that as an attention seeking tactic also.
I can't say much of anything to him right now. I, in no way, want to put things in his head or suggest something is going on, because if there isn't, I don't want to create something that isn't there. All I know now is that ever since that day she text him.. she has left a bad taste in my mouth, and I will be forever suspicious.
All this crap leads up to him loosing his job. I want to make sure it's not me causing the problem. My jealousy and insecurities. Because no matter what, he needs this job.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Newbie
I am essentially new to blogging. I have done very little in the past on Myspace. I have chosen to start a new blog that is completely kept private from my friends/family. Although, this seems kind of weird and ridiculous I thought I would give this a try. In time I will learn how this site operates and will do my best to make it personalized and worth viewing.
I recently turned thirty, I am a mother of two pre-teens, and been married to my childhood sweetheart for thirteen years. For now, and for most of my adult life, I am a stay-at-home mom/wife. I am undecided as far as a career. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I just can't share with the people close to me. My best friend is my husband, and well it's not fair to burden him with my insanity. Others close to me would view my life as blessed, which it is, and most likely disregard my worries. So, as an attempt to clear my mind, without paying a therapist, I have decided to start this blog. I feel that if I don't voice myself in some way, I'm going to spiral down a destructive path, as I have in the past.
I recently turned thirty, I am a mother of two pre-teens, and been married to my childhood sweetheart for thirteen years. For now, and for most of my adult life, I am a stay-at-home mom/wife. I am undecided as far as a career. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I just can't share with the people close to me. My best friend is my husband, and well it's not fair to burden him with my insanity. Others close to me would view my life as blessed, which it is, and most likely disregard my worries. So, as an attempt to clear my mind, without paying a therapist, I have decided to start this blog. I feel that if I don't voice myself in some way, I'm going to spiral down a destructive path, as I have in the past.
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